I need help, just not from you

Do you have a Gil Thorpe in your life? Or better yet, a Gunther Thorpe (Gil's dad)?

On last week's episode of Modern Family we were introduced to Gunther Thorpe, a guy who always seems to show up when Jay is at his worst.  I totally have a few Gunther Thorpe characters in my life. My Gunther Thorpes tend to fall into one of two categories. The first is the person I secretly admire or look up to for whatever reason. The second, and most common, is the person who doesn't add anything of value to my life, but seems to always be hanging around in the background, waiting for my inevitable failure.

I recognize that in the first case, the fault is with me.  I become hyper-critical of myself around certain people.  And really, there are only a handful of these women in my life.  They are the ones that have their finger on the pulse of fashion/hair/skinniness/coolness of the world.  These are the women  I run into at the grocery store (for the third time) when I'm wearing stained sweats on day three without a shower, buying a year supply of Hostess and M&M products . Maybe she'll decide to drop in later in the week and the two year old will answer the door dressed only in a diaper and sticky chocolate cheeks.  She'll timidly let herself in after the toddler runs away and wait patiently while I flush the toilet and emerge from the sanctity of a much needed bathroom break. These women have impeccable timing.

The difference between the first group and the second is all in perception. The first group leaves me feeling embarrassed, the second group makes it clear that they are embarrassed for me. They make a big deal about pointing out the tag that is sticking up in the back of my clean shirt and when I laugh it off by saying that at least the shirt's right-side-out, the look of confusion and pity in their eyes says it all. These people don't understand self-deprecating humor and instead view it as an opportunity to offer obvious advice as another avenue of delivering criticism.  "That's why I always double check that nothing is inside-out when I put it away..."  Duh.

More examples:
"You'll need to vacuum more often when she starts to crawl..."
"You shouldn't let them watch TV until they are ready for school..."
"You should make a list of things to do, that's how I get things done..."

I find myself offering unsolicited obvious advice all the time, so... maybe I'm the obnoxious person that isn't really helping anyone.  Sorry.